i think i've had a realization. actually, i think i've known for some time now but it's one of those things that you actually have to say out loud or hear yourself actively thinking about in your mind before you can fully appreciate your epiphany. Here Goes:

my life has felt unsatisfactory lately. i feel like i'm overexaggerating if i say that i don't like my life, but essentially, that's the problem. or so it seems. Now, this isn't to be mistakened for me not liking myself. in fact, it's just the opposite. i do like myself. i like who i am. i'm glad i've turned out (so far) the way i have. i lke the way i think about things. i'm happy with the things i'm interested in. i think i'm good at finding things to keep me learning, discovering, and creating. i like that i try to find out about things in this world that can effect my life and that i take a stance on them, rather than ignore them. it's healthy to like yourself. i'm grateful that i'm fortunate enough to feel this way when so many others struggle with self acceptance. not to say that everything is perfect, but on a whole, i'm comfortable with who i am.

the problem is that i don't think i'm existing in a lifestyle that benefits my personality. do you know what i mean? it seems like where i live and what is around me isn't me at all. i have no friends that i can share my passions with because they just aren't into the things that i'm intensely into. it's hard. i hate school. it's a good thing but i don't think it's for ever one. i'm one of them it's not for. but what can i do? quit? no way. i'd be disappointed in myself. besides, what else would i do? how would i ever make enough money to survive? i feel like i'm going to end up with a career that will hold me back from my life. hell, honestly, i don't see myself even using my degree, at least not to its full extent. so if i don't think i'm going to use it anyways, why am i so worried about it? fuck if i know. i feel like everything around me just moves differently. not that i'm so special. i don't think that, i just know that i'm different. it's obvious when i talk to people. makes me wonder where people like me are. i know they exist, but why don't i ever run into them? stop hiding!

this shit really effects my life. it effects my friendships, relationships, school...i could go on and on. what do i do? create my world around me? create the culture i want to live in?

i need to start making my life happen.

andrea