as of today....

Yes, I still exist.


Andrea

I will make a new post soon. I'm just too tired right now. My eyes are sleepy, good night.

i think i've had a realization. actually, i think i've known for some time now but it's one of those things that you actually have to say out loud or hear yourself actively thinking about in your mind before you can fully appreciate your epiphany. Here Goes:

my life has felt unsatisfactory lately. i feel like i'm overexaggerating if i say that i don't like my life, but essentially, that's the problem. or so it seems. Now, this isn't to be mistakened for me not liking myself. in fact, it's just the opposite. i do like myself. i like who i am. i'm glad i've turned out (so far) the way i have. i lke the way i think about things. i'm happy with the things i'm interested in. i think i'm good at finding things to keep me learning, discovering, and creating. i like that i try to find out about things in this world that can effect my life and that i take a stance on them, rather than ignore them. it's healthy to like yourself. i'm grateful that i'm fortunate enough to feel this way when so many others struggle with self acceptance. not to say that everything is perfect, but on a whole, i'm comfortable with who i am.

the problem is that i don't think i'm existing in a lifestyle that benefits my personality. do you know what i mean? it seems like where i live and what is around me isn't me at all. i have no friends that i can share my passions with because they just aren't into the things that i'm intensely into. it's hard. i hate school. it's a good thing but i don't think it's for ever one. i'm one of them it's not for. but what can i do? quit? no way. i'd be disappointed in myself. besides, what else would i do? how would i ever make enough money to survive? i feel like i'm going to end up with a career that will hold me back from my life. hell, honestly, i don't see myself even using my degree, at least not to its full extent. so if i don't think i'm going to use it anyways, why am i so worried about it? fuck if i know. i feel like everything around me just moves differently. not that i'm so special. i don't think that, i just know that i'm different. it's obvious when i talk to people. makes me wonder where people like me are. i know they exist, but why don't i ever run into them? stop hiding!

this shit really effects my life. it effects my friendships, relationships, school...i could go on and on. what do i do? create my world around me? create the culture i want to live in?

i need to start making my life happen.

andrea

The Collective Echo of Avril as Heard From the Candy Aisle in Wal-Mart






It was last february. Around Valentines Day. I went into Wal-Mart one day to get some candy so i could give it out to my friends on said day. I didn't have a boy friend, so I didn't have to worry about big gifts, just candy and friends. You know how when you go into that store and they have televisions up everywhere you turn, playing commercials and music? It seemed like around that time everytime I'd go in they'd be playing either a Kelly Clarkson, Yellowcard, or Avril Lavigne songs. On that day it just happened that it was Avril and the song was "Don't Tell Me". It was morning so there wasn't too many people in the store and I easily made my way to the candy aisle. As I was walking I noticed the video playing on different tv's throughout the store. It wasn't unusual. What caught my attention was hearing people in aisles I was walking buy singing it. When I finally settled into the candy aisle and wasn't distracted by the sound of my own feet and jacket moving, I could hear it. People singing Avril. I was just standing there, looking at candy, and listening to people in Wal-Mart singing to Avril--enough people for it to carry through the aisles. It made me smile, it made me want to join in...and I think I did. In some freaky way, Avril brought us together. And it was beautiful, in my opinion.

i have tomorrow off.
what to do, what to do.
make soup of course.
and use my new tea kettle.
fuck, i have teas i haven't even opened yet that i need to try.
and my throat hurts.
i hope it passes.
i reall don't want to be sick right now.
if you're reading this, applaud yourself.
you're probably the only one.
much love to you.

andrea

Blog Procrastination

I did have a few pages of words to post here that I wrote at work the other day.

I threw it out.

Am I not fascinating enough to blog?

Shit.

Er, whatever for today.

I'll come back with something to say. Promise.

Andrea

it has been awhile
not that it matters since no one i know reads this blog
not that i write anything of value on it anyways
actually this is a new blog
i forgot the password and username to my old one
my computer crashed
i was used to having the site "remember me"
so i forgot me
poetic? yes. no. maybe.
this all sounds bland because I'm tired
you'll forgive me, right?

all my love,

andrea